In the Ocean of her mind...

She sees the light now. It's pulling her closer, drawing her in and sucking her in deep.
A smile tugs at the corner of her lips. She finally made it, after all.
To the finish line but also, in some absurd way to the start of new things.

It's almost as if her mind's been swept in an azure blue, her favourite colour.
Her mind's eye sees her on a cliff smiling, eyes closed, hair blowing all over her face and she stands silently, embracing it all and tasting the salt on her lips.

There's hope, she made it happen. It was in the salt of her tears that she found her beacon. Her life, her love, her passion... the things that mattered.

Her darkness found the light after all. It led her there. It called out to her from the shadows and helped her conquer wave after wave...

She takes a deep breath of air and inhales the saltiness of the sea. Here's the big moment. The Plunge. The foamy sea holds promise...

Here I come, she thinks. No looking back. To life.

And she takes a deep plunge, crashing into the brilliant blue sea.

Sucker-Punch

You're an asshole!

You're a prick!

How can you be so daft?

Are you blind?

Can you not see?

Or are you just pretending to be?

Climb out of your ass

Smell the real world!

Wake up,

You're burning

I'm not putting your fire out

Not if you can't see it yourself.

How do you live?

How can you pretend?

Your world is crumbling around you

And your eyes are black

I tried to help you once

But the patience, now, I lack.

I'm out of the fire

Into the rain

I smell a new beginning

And there's no more pain.

Um.

I've been selfish, I hurt you and those wounds that I've inflicted on you burns me too. I cry on the inside cuz I don't know what to do, what to say. Sometimes I wish you'd leave me be and leave me alone to stay. I feel sad, I'm sorry. I hurt you but the words won't come out, I love you, you know, you're just hard to live with. I'm at a loss for words. Even as I stabbed you, my side has a deep gash too. Why don't you understand me? There is more to life than this. I cannot tell you how or why but I hope you will, someday. I love you.

Dead

I never saw it coming. It wasn't like a comet, it was more of a light year. It moved forward but only at a decelerating speed... it deflected my thoughts, it eluded me, it changed me. And now, I see it. Now, it's clear. The pain was inflicted. The wound was raw, the blood made me cringe for a few days, it made me still, it made my mind weep. It was something like bad karma but also like an airborne disease. It sucked at my brain and entered my system. It may have even broken me but as I picked up the pieces, I realized something strange. The moon appeared beautiful at night. Among all that velvety darkness, it remained a thing of beauty. It shone more with its craters and spots. It held high and didn't back down. It provided some reassurance, hope and a feeling of serenity.

Electrical Storm

So I'm walking out in the cold, pouring rain and I think I like it. I'm embracing it! It's a good thing, really and it couldn't get better. It's cold and a little dismal and unclear, but not negative. I like it. I appreciate it. It's stormy, windy and freezing but I'm going on, I want to. But even as I'm stepping over potholes, I'm falling. I can't say that I'm not scared and yet at the same time, it gives me such a fierce adrenaline rush that I want to do it! Ah, again, as I have done so, a million...no, make that a zillion times over, I'm rambling! I feel like I'm in an electrical storm of sorts (U2 reference)... in my mind, all of the time, I know that's not enough, if the sky can crack, there must be a way for love and only love. Oh gosh, I must shut up. I'm talking crazy, as I always do. I'll let the chips fall where they may, there's no use psyching myself out. I'm happy in my head, really. I'm just being a jackass otherwise, you know. I think I'll just keep walking in the rain for now, it's a nice feeling. It makes me wanna just stuff my hands in my hoodie's pockets and smile as I walk by myself. I don't have to think anymore, I'm just being. Loving the feeling. It's like an escape into a universe where sound doesn't travel. I'm gaining space, perspective... I'm taking the leap. I'm almost there! And it's gonna be awesome, I know it. Oh, Michael Moscovitz, you must be real. :)

P.S. I'm not on Prozac, you doofs, I'm okay, really. Just in a slightly trippy mood, that's all.

(To-be) R.I.P Eric

So, he's already on life support now and I'm keeping him alive selfishly for my sake till we get a transplant done. :( Oh Eric, I'm going to miss you so. I'm listening to Sexy Back by Justin Timberlake and over-flooded with memories. That was your first ever ringtone, do you remember? Anyway I'm gonna keep you with me long after you're gone, don't worry... You shall never be too far away from my heart. I love you. Thanks for the memories, the music (my head has never felt like a reverberating discotheque than when with you). When I was down, you passed on texts and phone calls that could only lift me up! You kept me company when I felt alone, you lit up my darkness when I could only see black, you provided me many a-entertainment as we played Prince of Persia and Scooby-Doo together. You didn't complain when we had to hook you up with a false back due to lack of an adequate surgery (also we'd have to transplant your entire vertebrae then and I couldn't have that! No!) You didn't cringe when I dropped you a million times over, in spite of it, you only fought harder to remain with me till the end of time, you lost your eye in a deathly battle last year...and now I must let you go, old friend, to a better place, a safer place, a place where you can come to no harm. I'll miss you, baby! May you be reborn in the new life I shall learn to soon care for. I love you. Infinitely, we had the best time ever. You were the best phone around and if I didn't already assert that, my friends did too. You will be missed deeply.

This was to commemorate the slow death of my K 750 baby. Let's take a moment's silence to honour his memory. I know he'd love that.

May

Green grass and spring

Wet mud and bare toes

The sun is spilling over

I think of a yellow rose.

You spoke to me

We said more than hello

That made me happy

And I dreamed of more.

Obtuse Angles

It was Sam's wedding the last weekend and man, I can't tell you how scary it was for me, for us, 'cuz let's face it, this is the end of the road in more ways than one! I don't want it to ever get over, I want to do everything and experience it all without all those shackles. I mean, thank you very much, but I think I can live without a life-partner. We'd probably live together for a while but part ways when we realize our differences. I don't know, besides it seems like love was never on the cards for me anyway. Yesterday me and Sagan went to Sammy Sosa and the food was delicasso! Hehehe! It was really fun, hung out the entire time before that at the K Store and met his really bubbly and fun colleague, Nuzhat. Nice weekend, indeed. God, I have been a terrible blogger this month. I haven't kept up with tradition at all this month (4 blog posts) and well, that sucks. The good news is that I'm over Blaze now and I just can't stop thinking about the other her! I know, I never learn and I'm such a doof. Oh, btw, I got a complimentary Cherry Tea from the BBC at JW Marriott. Woo hoo! :-) I'm sorry guys, this post was far from profound or inspiring or remotely any thing you'd use adjectives to describe it but here is blog post # 2 for April as promised... there will be more. Before the moth ends. Amen! Wait, over this past weekend, I've fallen more in love with Dig by Incubus... It is fricking awesome! Promise me we'll always have each other when everything else is gone....