Rehab

When you get rid of something like a habit or an addiction, you feel like destroying even the slightest hint of it that could prove that it was ever around.
There are many reasons (feelings) for this:


·         Shame
·         Guilt
·         Mere Indifference
·         Pure disgust with yourself for ever doing it
·         A complete aversion towards the habit, thing or…ahem…person
·         You grow up


You just want to wash your hands clean of it all, as if it never existed and by removing any trace that it did exist at some point, you are healing yourself and moving on. Trust me, the feeling is great. Almost peaceful and to me, it’s very nearly like an Alanis Morisette song if put in words. The only thing that could resurrect your pain and misery that you faced after you had to first give it up, would be if that particular ‘it’ has a mind of its own and decides to try and squash your life again. Maybe you won’t agree with me, but honestly it’s the only way to move on and oh, believe me, I have learned a lot from it, too. Sure, it does pain me to know that I used to be foolish about some of it, but you can’t change the past and the best thing you can do is live your present. By learning, you change. You shouldn’t confuse yourself with changing to learn. And you can apply this to different things: eating bad food at a resto (lesson learnt: never go there again!), being in a relationship with someone abusive, turning down a high-paying job and the list goes on.


But anyway, you burn letters, delete photographs, delete emails, throw things out and yeah, sometimes it isn’t easy to delete the person or thing or habit from your mind. Discarding of physical things that are related to it however is healing enough. May be its best that we are human and have not the ability to discard feelings completely but also, if it’s bad enough, your mind is sane enough to not let you anywhere near it again or you invoke your brain to create an invisible force-field against it. The experience itself toughens you up, makes you strong, makes you learn and you will find something much greater in the future to come. Most of all, you will make whatever you can of it, when it comes to you because you realize and know that it’s very, very true. Those things happen for a reason.


From February of this year on, I’ve started the tradition of having at least 4 blog-posts a month and now, maybe I can increase that to eight. I like even numbers and I shouldn’t make your eyes hurt with too much of information and in only too many words. So from September on, I will be the change. And this is my fifth post for this month. Ah, variation. A Clean Break from consistency. Which also brings me back to the underlying motto of this post, cleansing of an old habit (its nature is up to you to determine: bad or good or…) is always self-healing in itself. I swear by it.

After the Rain

She places her palm against the cold misty window staring straight ahead thinking of nothing. A Pajero cruises past the murky rain water splashing a filthy beggar on the street below. The homeless bum shouts out, “Screw you, asshole!”

She feels the cool water running down the pane as her right palm makes an imprint against the glass, and thinks of a memory. A distant one of a boy playing in rain puddles. A smile grows on her face as the lad in her mind, splashes around, blissfully unaware. A boy she wishes would be blissfully unaware now… when she wants him to be, most. She thought things would never change between her and him. The boy she once thought whom she might grow to love. There were friends first. Didn’t that count? She wants things to be normal. She thinks she should write him a letter. Clear things out. Be friends again. But something stops her each time. Maybe she has her pride too. Or maybe she doesn’t really need to. She doesn’t know the answer. For a long time, she had wished that she’d know the answer but now, she thinks that she couldn’t care less.

A slamming door breaks through her reverie. She walks up to the next room and shuts close the window.

It’s really cold, tonight, she thinks. She wraps her arms around herself to feel warm. And her inner eye sparkles at another memory, when they had first kissed. Her and him. It wasn’t perfect but it was something she’d never forget. It was dark that night, as they sat on the steps of a staircase and he made her feel so very nice. It was something she hadn’t expected and that probably made it special, nonetheless. A smile teases the corner of her mouth.

She should call him. Just for fun. Talk. But she doesn’t and she knows why.
She believes things happen for a reason. She doesn’t like to question, she likes to be told.

It’s going to be really different between them no matter how much she wishes things would be just normal…. Uncomplicated and no reason for explanations.

Hmmm, it’s stopped raining, she thinks.

She opens the window once more.

And then, like the clarity of a sky after the rain, the inky azure that seems to have been washed and cleansed completely, she realizes that some things whether good or bad will never change. They shall always remain with her in heart and mind. It’s just sometimes, on occasion, perhaps on a rainy day like today that a gift of a memory would bless her with a smile.

She rushes to open her drawer hastily while rummaging for something. Her fingers close in on a bottle of nail-paint. She paints her nails a fiery hot red.

©Roanna Fernandes, 2008

I am cool. Like Ice. Maybe cooler. :)

I think is my new anthem or phrase, rather. I just helped two of my friends design an invite and it turned out pretty cool, it was soooo exciting to just help them with it. I feel so nice and I feel so proud and it feels like I'm on the right track here, you know... Like, finally. I just want to get in to it fully- Designing, Graphic Art and Illustrating. I'm going to. I'm going to meet Qyara, after ages I think and may be this week, I should get my cheques. I'm sceptical but yeah, let's just wait and see. If you watched a movie called Shadow recently, I'm sorry, you're definitely a loser. It's gotta be the dumbest attempt at an wannabe-unconventional-hero-starring-movie. I'm sure it sucks, I don't have to watch it to know, just like the director knew that he wasn't supposed to put out there and hurt the eyes of us innocent people with a crappy excuse of a movie. I'm sorry I'm a tad rambly in this one but I had to post something today. It's my blog and I can. Like they say, the Pen is mightier than the sword. Only in my case, the keyboard is mightier than this sleep threatening to bring me down... Will blog later. Adios. Sweet dreams, invisible visitors to my dear, dear beloved blog... :)

I need to make it but I just can't fake it, I'll give it my best if you'll just take it. ( I want to work with a magazine and I'm hoping to get the job!)

P.S. Check my new techni-color creation. Color is so pretty, ain't it? It makes everything glow.

The Curious Case of Plagiarism : To be put to the Shredder

Why do we allow copy-cats to ruthlessly take over everything? I mean, come on, for crying out loud, anyone who reads the description of ‘Pa’, a film starring the much-hyped Big B, they will tell you that the storyline is totally lifted from The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I haven’t seen the movie yet sadly but I know the many Oscars associated with it and the accolades it’s received of course, for the brilliant portrayal of a man who ages backwards as he grows older. It’s almost like a trophy to be placed in the Hall of Cinema. What I don’t get is why, why, why the hell would anyone want to remake such a legend and what makes that person think that we would want to remember it otherwise? I wish it were a horrible joke but it’s not. It’s so irritating that Indian Cinema does that because what they (Indian Directors) fail to get when watching great movies of the West is inspiration and innovation to think far beyond their spectrum of copy-caticism and make their own films. Seriously. They should focus on what they do best and not take what someone else does best and try to mix it up the same way and showcase it to Indian Audiences. Of course, there are some other Indian Directors who are turning it up a notch with movies like Kaminey (Vishal Bhardwarj)- I can’t wait to watch it, Rang de Basanti, Taare Zameen Par, Dev D., Maqbool (Adapted from Macbeth, adaptations are good to go but make them worth it like Bhardwarj does) etc. That’s what they should do, make their own stories and tell them and let the audiences decide their fate. Not only that, we have the actors to tell your stories as realistically as possible- Abhay Deol, Shahid Kapoor, Aamir Khan, Kareena Kapoor, Konkona Sen, Rahul Bose...there are so many more. However, if you’re going to take hits of Hollywood and turn them in to your films and stories, we’re really not interested and we’re not that dumb or acquiescent anymore.

Also, you’re pilfering stories; can’t you buy the goddamn copyrights to reproduce it? And saying things like it’s loosely based on XYZ are just a plain big, fat lie because um, it’s the whole story, word for word, scene for scene. Also, The Hangover, I have not yet had the pleasure to enjoy but apparently now we have another producer at hand who has bought the rights to the film to reproduce it in hindi. Firstly, when there comes a movie like that that you like so much and applaud so much, wouldn’t you want to have it remembered that way? Why would you wanna take a legend and recreate it adding your own two-paise worth to it? Is it necessary just to have audiences like it your way too? Plus what seriously garbled mind-process has led you think that it’s going to be a hit here too? Honestly, if there’s a remake that materializes of The Hangover, it’s going to be a flop. I can tell you that now. And importantly, we have no Vegas here so you tell me, you gonna send the groom off to a make-believe Goa that seems like Vegas or what? Bachelor Parties have only just recently passed on to other cultures, more so each being different that suits different sensibilities. What, really? Don’t be stagnant. Go make real films. We will appreciate. There should be no room for all you story-stealers and you brain-deprived rich folks.

Selfish

You know how when you haven't refilled your phone-credit for a while, they tell you that your service/line has been temporarily disconnected. Well, I feel like that disconnected line. Not exactly towards life, but I feel like I'm disconnecting from people. It's hard to explain to the people about what I'm feeling, especially when some of those people are my really close friends but I just don't know what to do. It's at times like this that I feel like going for a long holiday or be exiled to a place where no one knows me and no one cares to know me. Strange, right? I'm not a loner, I'm usually the kind who loves to be with people. Especially the ones I care about. But yeah, I wish I could be a loner just for a while. You know, may be to get things in perspective or to just be stationary while time moved. I just hate explaining to people why I am this way and why I wish to be left alone. I just need to be alone in my head sometimes. May be I'm just being horribly selfish, I know I am but I hate being tied down or clung to. This whole independence-thing (not sure if you could call it that) has pretty much gotten to me. I think it's bad. I don't know if I should change, if I want to. But I just might lose the people that I care about and who care about me the most if I disconnect this way, even if it's on a temporary basis because sometimes a little crack can break the whole vase, if you know what I mean. I think I'm crazy. If I were Rob Thomas, I would have used these thoughts and feelings and composed a nice little sad but cool relate-able ballad.