A favorite habit of mine is people-watching. Especially on the train, my joy of observing peeps and analyzing their minds/mental state (but that should be saved for another post) knows no bounds. Due to my recent observations and constant traveling on Mumbai's lifeline (literally and as coined by many great minds), I've come to find that there's always a: -
a. Smelly Person - The one who knows not the joy of possessing a deodorant and therefore, shoves their stinky armpits in your face. Sometimes I wish I could just whip out my deodorant and spray at the desired target and we're so close that it's not likely, that I'd miss the spot. And hello, I use Axe and Adidas, so please, I'd be doing a favour to them. Only, also, I did get slapped once on the train, so may be I shouldn't? Whatever. They should have a deodorant in each compartment so that everyone can spray on a whiff.
b. Rude Bitch - She snaps at everyone and constantly looks for a fight.
Eg. 'Tum kya karte? Mere pe pressure mat dal.'
'Haiiii! Andar chal, saali. Khadi hai jaise baap ki train he. Hmph!'
Personally, I've never had to be rude and lucky for me, because my pronunciation of certain Hindi words could garner me more laughs than attain cool oomph. Of course, living in India for the past six years and under the influence of Nandini Velho, I have picked up the worst of profane words (Hindi & English) that used to earlier make me cringe but now that I casually toss from the tip of my tongue. But yes, however, my rendition of Bosdi, Behen Choot, Randi etc isn't exactly plausible or cleverly barked.
c. The Constant Yakker - This person constantly yaks away and expects you to throw in a word or two. When faced with the yakker, I pretend to offer a sympathetic smile and go back to looking out of the window (yeah right) or reading a book or offer a look that says, I really want to talk to but I'm listening to some music now. Shucks. One can also avoid such I-always-need-to-talk-to-somebody types by merely pretending to look at one's phone, pretend to call a friend etc.
d. The Seat-Grabber - This person will try to grab every empty seat in vicinity. It don't matter if she has to push you, pinch you, bump you off or slap you, but her seat she will get it, she will. I mean, it's strange how suddenly you step into a ladies compartment and there's a Rugby huddle flashback from nowhere, I swear. She is also noted to go around all through the compartment 'claiming' seats. She doesn't restrict herself to one. She will be prepared to snarl and bite if you come in her way. To get back at such a ruthless go-getter, brush the sole of your soiled shoes against or on her feet, you wouldn't feel too guilty, trust me.
e. The Pusher - Hmmm, this character bears some similarity to the aforementioned type but in this case, the pusher is an irritating ass-face who keeps nudging and pushing you even when she doesn't have to get off the train. It's a habit, we assume, and not a very pleasing one at that. The best thing you can do is apply pressure or revel in a sense of calm by being completely rigid. That will piss her off no end! Or simply use your ass to dish it back!
f. The Immovable Hulk - This block of unyielding stone shall stand in front of you/the passenger all the time obstructing the path to get in or get out. She answers you with common lies of getting down at the next station but refuses to budge and even makes a huge deal out of it if she can. Talk in English, and you will be condemned, so it's wise to maneuver to a position in front of her, if you can, that is.
and finally;
g. Silent Spectator who chooses not to get involved (Me) - People fighting and people name-calling on the trains are a common occurrence. If you're wise, you'll keep your eyes to your book, your ears attuned to your music and ignore all the ruckus. Because you don't want to get pulled in to two different sides and if you value your life and opinions, just stay away! Besides, it doesn't help if you don't understand the language and rather than resorting to a crazy explanation, it's best to zip it.
That be all, oh fair friends.
