Train Thoughts, Woes & Hos

A favorite habit of mine is people-watching. Especially on the train, my joy of observing peeps and analyzing their minds/mental state (but that should be saved for another post) knows no bounds. Due to my recent observations and constant traveling on Mumbai's lifeline (literally and as coined by many great minds), I've come to find that there's always a: -


a. Smelly Person - The one who knows not the joy of possessing a deodorant and therefore, shoves their stinky armpits in your face. Sometimes I wish I could just whip out my deodorant and spray at the desired target and we're so close that it's not likely, that I'd miss the spot. And hello, I use Axe and Adidas, so please, I'd be doing a favour to them. Only, also, I did get slapped once on the train, so may be I shouldn't? Whatever. They should have a deodorant in each compartment so that everyone can spray on a whiff.

b. Rude Bitch - She snaps at everyone and constantly looks for a fight.

Eg. 'Tum kya karte? Mere pe pressure mat dal.'
'Haiiii! Andar chal, saali. Khadi hai jaise baap ki train he. Hmph!'

Personally, I've never had to be rude and lucky for me, because my pronunciation of certain Hindi words could garner me more laughs than attain cool oomph. Of course, living in India for the past six years and under the influence of Nandini Velho, I have picked up the worst of profane words (Hindi & English) that used to earlier make me cringe but now that I casually toss from the tip of my tongue. But yes, however, my rendition of Bosdi, Behen Choot, Randi etc isn't exactly plausible or cleverly barked.

c. The Constant Yakker - This person constantly yaks away and expects you to throw in a word or two. When faced with the yakker, I pretend to offer a sympathetic smile and go back to looking out of the window (yeah right) or reading a book or offer a look that says, I really want to talk to but I'm listening to some music now. Shucks. One can also avoid such I-always-need-to-talk-to-somebody types by merely pretending to look at one's phone, pretend to call a friend etc.

d. The Seat-Grabber - This person will try to grab every empty seat in vicinity. It don't matter if she has to push you, pinch you, bump you off or slap you, but her seat she will get it, she will. I mean, it's strange how suddenly you step into a ladies compartment and there's a Rugby huddle flashback from nowhere, I swear. She is also noted to go around all through the compartment 'claiming' seats. She doesn't restrict herself to one. She will be prepared to snarl and bite if you come in her way. To get back at such a ruthless go-getter, brush the sole of your soiled shoes against or on her feet, you wouldn't feel too guilty, trust me.

e. The Pusher - Hmmm, this character bears some similarity to the aforementioned type but in this case, the pusher is an irritating ass-face who keeps nudging and pushing you even when she doesn't have to get off the train. It's a habit, we assume, and not a very pleasing one at that. The best thing you can do is apply pressure or revel in a sense of calm by being completely rigid. That will piss her off no end! Or simply use your ass to dish it back!

f. The Immovable Hulk - This block of unyielding stone shall stand in front of you/the passenger all the time obstructing the path to get in or get out. She answers you with common lies of getting down at the next station but refuses to budge and even makes a huge deal out of it if she can. Talk in English, and you will be condemned, so it's wise to maneuver to a position in front of her, if you can, that is.

and finally;

g. Silent Spectator who chooses not to get involved (Me) - People fighting and people name-calling on the trains are a common occurrence. If you're wise, you'll keep your eyes to your book, your ears attuned to your music and ignore all the ruckus. Because you don't want to get pulled in to two different sides and if you value your life and opinions, just stay away! Besides, it doesn't help if you don't understand the language and rather than resorting to a crazy explanation, it's best to zip it.

That be all, oh fair friends.

Birthday Grumps and Bumps!

Well, my birthday came and went. Just like that! I wasn't even happy or sad or anything about it. I was just so totally blah on the day, it could very well have been any other day. It was sweet of Rita* and Maya* to show up late at night to wish me. Emily*, too. But I honestly wasn't feeling my birthday! Crazy right? Plus I ordinarily love birthdays! I love being more happy and getting presents, eating good food and chocolate cake but yeah, this birthday sucked ass like Raj Thackeray sucks ass all the time (literally). Could I be turning into a Paa like Emily says? I surely hope not. And I'm TWENTY-FRICKING-THREE! That is way better than twenty-shitty-four, twenty-bloody-five and yeah twenty-assholish-eight. So I just don't know why I couldn't get myself to colour my hair purple and bungee-jump from the Eiffel. I suppose it's high time I give up on Blaze. I mean, he'll never see me anyway. So what if he did, the last time when I was in Cupcake*? It was just because... well, I don't know why, really. Screw it! Plus, I'm an idiot, cuz he has a girlfriend. A girlfriend he broke up with and now is re-dating. May be I should rant in the form of stupid rhymes (as I usually do!):

Guys are stupid, guys are dicks,

They should be pounded on the head with concrete bricks.

They are denser than Raj Thackeray

And only look to lay...

Boobs and an ass will only catch their eyes

It don't matter if those bimbos are filled with lies (or lice)!

We love them, we hate them

But most of all, we crave them.

Such idiots guys are...

They don't see what is near, but focus on what is far.

I like you, I hate you

I just want to throttle you.

That sums up my literary intelligence for now. It was more of a rant than a poem to be appreciated but whatever... you're reading it so suck it!

*Names have been changed due to personal preferences of the Author.

Flight of the Cheval Noir

Kala Ghoda Arts Festival is one of my favorite festivals in the world. It's got culture, ethnicity, color and most importantly, oodles of creativity and dedication. I was so excited to be there, as I am every year that it comes around. The first pic is of a giant papier mâché bell hanging from one of the trees with hundreds of little colorful bells inside. It was truly pretty as you can tell. Next up was the awesome oil pastel painting of the Kala Ghoda on the ground, looking as though emerging from the cracks in the concrete. Wow! I was totally bowled over by the miniature version that they created of the Eiffel Tower, so pretty, so cool; magnifique. There was lots more to see and I hope to catch more of it through the week, it'd be really nice if I could. Almost all the quaint and cool stores had stalls; most exciting was the Chimp Store where I picked up a purple tote (very pleased with it). However, couldn't afford some of the jewelry; was a bit heavily priced. There was a cool store called Inspiration that was selling T-shirts that emblazoned cool art couture of the likes of Jim Morrisson, Che Gueverra etc etc. All across the frontal yard, were huge plastic-made animals in their true likeness from a giraffe to lions, tigers, a sinister looking crocodile and yes, even elephants whose eyes were truly life-like. There was more: Photo-exhibits, Colorful Bundles/sacks hanging from the trees, colorful artisans and lots of culture transpiring all over the place! I love Kala Ghoda. It's so passionate, vibrant and oozing with color!

Je t'aime Février

February is here! Truth be told, I love the month and not just because I was born in this month but just generally, it's so colorful and filled with love and peace. It sort of began a little apprehensively as on the second last day of January, my heart broke into a million pieces (Ok, may be I'm being a little too dramatic, but read on). I bought this Blush Powder and Body Scrub from Body Shop [ Total Worth - 1,011 Rs. :( ] and well, when I went to the Crossword Bookstore at O Mall, I had to leave it in the stand, you know and take a token, and the totally dumb-ass guard gave my bag to someone else because he didn't even see the number and blindly did so as her purchase-bag (He/she had a Strawberry Shower Gel worth 276 Rs.) was also a Body Shop bag!

I was really sad and angry with the stupid guard (He couldn't even answer me properly or chose not to, as to who he gave it to, how much time had passed since he gave it off to the wrong person etc etc) after that and it totally ruined my weekend! Plus whoever (Ami Rajesh Atha, according to the name on the credit bill in the bag that I got) has taken my bag is really mean...they haven't even bothered to return it. And I insisted on taking Ami's Body Shop Bag because I asked the manager at Crossword (Amit Something) for some kind of collateral, which he said he couldn't commit to, unless he received more information.

Anyway, what followed was that I did get my money back for the exact value of my purchase! I mean, it's Crossword's fault entirely. What if there was more valuable stuff in my bag? Would they behave in the same manner? They have to take responsibility! Also, I hate that rule of leaving purchases at the door, because they've been involved in stuff like this a lot of times, according to my friend, whom I narrated this to. But please guys, the lesson to be learnt from this, is please stuff your purchases in your hand-bag or wherever but don't leave them at the Token counter at any of the Crossword Outlets/Other stores in general cuz I'm betting you don't want to be as regretful as the way I felt.

I even looked up Ami Rajesh Atha on facebook and tried calling Information to get his/her whereabouts or rather his/her number but to no avail. However, I did find a girl called Ami Atha and I sent her email yesterday, she didn't revert back. Also, to my bad luck, the day I got my money back, I went to The Body Shop thinking I'll re-buy my products again only to find it closed for further repairs. Now, I'm banking on the one in Phoenix Mills to get my stuff! (Fingers Crossed)

On the positive side of things, I've been reading a lot of books, partly also due to my existing financial status that I can afford to buy books every now and then (Next on the lists are: The Queen of Babble gets hitched and Tales of Beedle the Bard). I bought quite a few books including Nancy Drew (so exciting)! The Queen of Babble by Meg Cabot was totally enjoyable, the 2 books, I read in the series were HILARIOUS and I found myself smiling and even giggling at quite a few instances in the book so I highly recommend it to my girlfriends who enjoy a good piece of Chick-Literature every now and then! :)

Lastly, I have found this cool author at my workplace: Sundari Venkatraman who writes these amazing short stories (Indian) and could very well be in the leagues of Sudha Murthy! She has six short stories so far on her page and she has a published book to her credit too, The Malhotra Bride. I'm going to get it tomorrow so I can start reading! This month is getting to be amazing. Oh yeah, and my birthday is in 11 days so I'm quite excited even though I'm pretending that I'm not. I love presents and birthday lunches/dinners.